His 'true calling' in life.. changes every month..
He wants to be:
Life without love ... is like a boob without a nipple..
Pointless.
(Yeah it made me smile and yeah i was bored brain dead)
I wish I were a shop.. with those big metal shutters...
I'd pull down the shutters, put a big brass lock on it and hang a sign that says 'CLOSED'.
And I'd stay inside shut out from everything.
I wouldn't have to deal with anything.
Not even myself.
She thinks I haven't noticed...
The newly bought pumice stone.. The daily 'foot scrub'...
Finishing off the bottle of moisturizer on her feet..
The new anklet .. and her toes painted silver...
Right after I told her I've seen him judge women by their feet..
And she thinks I haven't noticed.. :)
I don't know how this came to me today.. or why.. I was on my way to work.. and I remembered this happening a long time back.. I think I was in first grade then.. and I think the class was Social Studies or something of the sort.. We were learning either about Family or Professions.. or something.. Can't remember.. But there was this part where I had to write down my Dad's profession.. and I didn't know what that was.. He was working for Schindler Elevators then, and I remember him telling me that Elevators were the same as 'Lifts' .. like the one in our building.. And I don't know how I came up with the term 'Lift Operator'.. I felt really proud of my Dad for being someone so cool, and of myself for having come up with such a cool profession amongst all the Doctors and Engineers and Bank Managers.. My teacher raised her eyebrows when she saw what I'd written.. smiled and asked me if I was sure.. I nodded .... and when my turn came to read it aloud in class.. I don't think it made an impact on anybody.. except I think the teacher.. and yes... my mom when I got home.. I think she was struck .. she probably imagined my Dad wearing a red coat with two parallel rows of round silver buttons and a cap and standing in a corner of a lift asking people which floor they'd like to go to... She told me Daddy wasn't a Lift operator.. and to my disappointment erased it and made me write 'Engineer'.. which, I consoled myself, was something like a Train operator...
He had a beard and I'd seen him twice... I don't remember if I heard people talk about him, but I have a feeling I did. There was no other way for me to form an impression about someone I had seen twice. He's the sort of guy who probably writes well...Listens to music I've never heard of, or will ever understand.. done drugs, probably still does... sketches, draws or paints in abstract ways he doesn't care to explain.. Probably cooks.. Not sure he bathes very often .. Must've had plenty of affairs with like minded unconventional women.. He could be gay.. But I like to think that he isn't... Doubt he believes in marriage.... Surely likes photography.. probably black and white.. Can't imagine him in formals.. Must be the sort that loves to travel.. Doesn't care too much about money... Probably gives the nicest gifts for special people.. Probably likes dogs.. maybe cats too..
I am convinced that she hates me.. Its not news.. Or is it? If its something that I was always aware of, then there's no reason for me to feel so bad about it.. All I want to do is escape it.. I don't need to lash out at her.. She's not someone I know or have done anything to intentionally.. And yet she hates me and I felt it today.. and I want to escape it.. escape her hatred.. or defend myself and hate her right back.. But that wouldn't hurt her.. She wouldn't care.. So why should I? I cannot sit here and feel all that she is knowingly or unknowingly making me feel.. I have to escape it.. But there is no getting about her.. The only way to escape her is to do without him and I can't do that..
That day.. we were at Shivasamudra.. I forgot when.. But it wasn't very long back.. The ride was terrible.. the roads barely defined and the hours it took to get there took its toll on bladders and backs.... And if not for this one boat ride (in the picture) I would've killed everyone who convinced and dragged me along on the trip.. We got into these little round boats and got around twenty minutes of screaming, laughing, getting drenched under a waterfall, watching the world spin from a round boat and five seconds of dazedly watching a Canon digi cam fall into knee deep water...
And today.. I'm in the office... %$#&%!!
